Sunday, January 23, 2011

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

I'm viewing the New Year's slideshow on the SYDA site, listening to Raga Taranga for the first time in  what seems like many years. It is bittersweet to hear that melody and see again those photos of the South Fallsburg ashram, to indulge in the remembrance of the many years we spent there together, the thousand and one magical summer nights, the cold winter days blanketed with snow and ice but warm, so warm inside the temple, wrapped in our shawls, breathing in unison as we sang the arati and followed with avid eyes the arc of flame circling before Bade Baba's murti.

This is pure nostalgia, yes, but I feel myself wanting to give in to its spell. Perhaps disenchantment is not a permanent state after all but, like grace, one which can both be attained and fallen from.

It wasn't Eden, but we were once all together, doing japa as we strolled around the lake in Fallsburg, meditating in the gardens of Ganeshpuri, exulting in our communal state of grace (so we once believed.) And this is not exile, but we are far apart now, living separate existences and dealing with the consequences of the fall of Siddha Yoga. "In this vale of tears", in the words of an old prayer.

Maybe it's also a consequence of getting older. Probably. It's true that I've begun to feel the mass of years piling up. I've reached that point when I understand viscerally, not just intellectually, that I have less time ahead than behind me. When you're young life is one long projecting arc, the flame of a rocket trailing always upwards. You can see the horizon of your life but it is a faint and distant line way below, almost an illusion that seems to constantly recede as you approach it, and you are sailing up and away far, far above it.

After all those years of burning fuel and hurtling ahead, how strange now to want to arrest that arc, turn it backwards. That's the impetus behind nostalgia, this need to throw your arms around the past as well as the present in order to embrace the full span of your years. At least it is for me. And when I start to feel this way it seems an act of complete wastefulness to discard so many memories simply because I no longer believe now as I did then.

Because faith and practice are what bound us Siddha Yogis together, they can seem the sum and substance of those years, and the dissolution of faith and abandonment of practice call into question the value and meaning of decades of our lives. If so, this is terribly sad.

Maybe there is a further shore of disenchantment, where the rejection of belief is final and where our hearts, having done the hard work of healing, can now begin to reclaim the sweetness of memory. It's not so different from the dissolution of a long relationship--you know you're finally and truly over them when you can look back and enjoy memories of the good times.

I'm not speaking here of Gurumayi, necessarily, but of our memories of one another. Maybe I'm alone in this. I have had a life long tendency to forget the past and live in the present, so this looking back is a new thing for me. I remember so many friends I've loved in Siddha Yoga, many of whom stayed when I left, complicating what had always been such simple friendships. I miss them terribly.

324 comments:

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Anonymous said...

p.s. As “s.” stated above, I no longer care where GM is. (Lady Gaga at the grocery store, indeed.) Her whereabouts were never the leading issue for me. In reality she had probably retired years before I left.

What does retain some sporadic intrigue – in a late-night, channel surfing, rerun of an old whodunit sort of way – is why her exit was so sloppy.

Seen from a cynical, purely business angle, SY strikes me now as once-mesmerizing stunt performed by a group of masterful marketeers with a savvy eye for opportunity. And because they pulled the wool asanas over our eyes so successfully, for so long, the end still doesn’t make sense. I mean really, they couldn’t concoct one final bit of stagecraft, some climactic sleight-of-hand to leave us all spellbound and dazzle our eyes away one last time from some carefully constructed phase-out plan?

Their best efforts amounted to a paper-thin talk in 2004, then POOF!?

The lack of execution just seems too dumb.

With the distance of time, the end of SY seems to me now like the afterthought of a few key people sitting around in an office somewhere who decided one day they no longer gave a fuck.

Even makes me second-guess GM's ego a bit. Aren't such types known for their grand entrances and exits?

Anonymous said...

Lucid, you said "An organization built on controlling information can’t exist in an age where everyone has access. An organization which only exists as long as the secrecy at its core remains shielded can’t survive in an age where there is no longer a way to ensure it."

This is precisely the same reason why the dictatorships of the Middle East are being challenged through mass uprisings, and why the few furtive attempts at doing the same thing in China has quickly forced the Chinese government to try and restrict data sharing and web access, and move in police forces to quell similar activity there.

In an era of "handheld everything" as you put it, this is exactly the same phenomena you reference re SY.

"Handheld everything" pushes the enforcement of transparency so much harder than in earlier days.

Anonymous said...

Maha Shivaratri today

Trip in the way back machine, rather sweet video that could easily be a Siddha Yoga scene:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMj9bHzw9Tg

From this distance I see this sacred to Hindus day as something impossible for me to participate in with any authenticity. Same for attempts to borrow from Native Americans and attend sweat lodges and smoke peace pipes. I feel now that Siddha Yoga trivialized the Hindu faith. Feels arrogant to pretend to be a follower.

I respect these paths but they cannot be made mine. Feels wrong for Siddha Yoga to continue to sell this spiritual tourism to westerners. Not a serious path, a let's pretend path.

When I think of how many times I have repeated that mantra.....Where did all that go? Who received it? Does Mt. Kailas have a seat with my name on it?

Anonymous said...

Don't know why but for the first time in a long time I noticed that the subtitle of this blog is "When the guru holds us spellbound how can we ever be free?" And I laughed because I realized she hadn't held me 'spellbound' in close to eight years. And yet this blog, with all the good, articulate hearts and minds, working together to make sense of the whole mess and its aftermath, definitely holds my attention. I get a mild wave of excitement whenever I see that a new post has gone up. I get so much from reading almost every one of them.

But NOT because I give a rat's ass what happened to GM. As one of the eloquent Anon's said earlier, "she's eaten up enough of this brief and fleeting incarnation."

I had proof of this the other day, lest I wondered, when I ran in the grocery store to a devotee who didn't know I'd left ages ago. I'm sure some of you have had this. That weird 'not-knowing.' They said they hadn't seen me around 'the ranch' lately and wondered (quite accusatorily actually) why I hadn't been there. Since they were being a bit aggressive in their questioning as we stood in the frozen food aisle (lol!) I looked straight in her eyes and answered what honestly popped in my mind in the moment,

"No shakti.'

Not, "I" have no shakti. But no shakti there for me. And boy is that the truth. She didn't know what to say and walked away shaking her head.

And I have to admit I was smiling as I walked back to my car.

Anonymous said...

To the one who wrote about Shivaratri...a special letter to our beloved Guru..

Dear Gurumayi

Happy Shivatratri...Here is my prayer for you. May you repent on day for all your sins against humanity and your once so ignorant and naive devotees. May you repay all the money you stole and all the lies you told in the name of Shiva.

Blessings, dear One!

Anonymous said...

Don't worry. You can come back next life as a demon in a waterless region.

Lord Shiva

Anonymous said...

On second thought I could have short-handed “in the age of hand-held everything” more succinctly by simply calling this “the age of Wikileaks.” Can you believe THAT story? Fascinating to me.

In a sidebar, as it relates, fashion designer John Galliano – who in terms of talent and name had only one rival and few peers – made the cover of yesterday’s NYT’s after being caught on video making anti-Semitic remarks in a Paris bar, then promptly fired by his employer Christian Dior. The 50-year old Galliano was Dior’s star designer; his twenty-year career extinguished in an instant by a few minutes of video that expose the ugly underside of his behind-the-scenes self.

- Lucid

Ex Editor said...

There was this sweet and entirely harmless website (cant remember its name now, but i think it might have been "Friends of Gurumayi")that flourished in 1997 only to be closed down on orders from SYDA. And everyone meekly obeyed...

It was a sad loss because it was innocuous and actually quite heart-warming. But back in those days we did as we were told.

So, yes, the internet. It came and suddenly things were not so closed anymore.

The Leaving Siddha Yoga website itself still sits like a doleful guard-dog, impossible for SYDA to remove. But is it just me, have they simply given up trying?

Anonymous said...

There once was a guru named Malti

Whose "perfection" was actually quite faulty

She had siddhis galore

Till they went out the door

So her legacy really was quite paltry.

(except for all the money taken which unfortunately doesn't rhyme and thus must be left for another song)

Anonymous said...

I have a dream....of all the "great timers" congregating at the gates waving their canes, demanding their money back...lol.
How about a new organization; AARP-Y (American Association of Really Pissed-off Yogis).

s.

Anonymous said...

Ha! And I have the feeling that dreams ends with a low voice behind a shuttered window saying: "Let them eat cake!"

- Lucid

Anonymous said...

>>"Ha! And I have the feeling that dreams ends with a low voice behind a shuttered window saying: "Let them eat cake!"

- Lucid"<<

Hey, if she's paying for the cake, that might just work...lol.
s.

Anonymous said...

I like cake

especially sidhha yoga confections
we ate well...a lot of rancour around low protein in siddha yoga, but food was excellent unless you were were slaving away to save your soul, you might have had stress symptoms. if on staff you had stress. but the way food was made and served was always amazing.

still impressed with way siddha yoga was particularly good at rules creating order out of such potential for chaos, with thousands congregating at times. not oppressive crowd control. just social control, side eyes from hall monitors....

like a hive self organizing around some principal...has an up side but then can be turned into a borg like machine that cannot be questioned.

I really do miss the meals...
but not Marie Antoinette

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Gn50n6Ymnpw/TPB5YAi63KI/AAAAAAAAAG8/BUqpgayshno/s1600/marie-antoinette.jpg

Anonymous said...

>>" the way food was made and served was always amazing"<<

Kripalu has even better food!!! And Garrison Institute...unbelievable (plus no eye-rolling when you serve yourself)! Somebody should write a Zagat guide for ashrams and spiritual centers. Were you there the Summer they restructured everything? set up the "raw foods tent" and the chai became herbal tea. People did NOT like it...lol.

just as an aside, many Hindu priests have diabetes..it's true...from eating all of the "prasad"..it's considered one of the drawbacks of being a temple priest...diabetes. Remember the "barfi" they used to give out at the temple? serious sugar.

it's interesting what you mention about the way control was handled, Anon.

s.

Karen said...

I left SY one year ago after 20 years. Am grateful for the meditation, chanting, retreats, trips to Ganeshpuri, a relationship with Bhagawan Nityananda which endures, and yes I have great memories of the chai.
Please don't blame yourself or anyone else for those years. They were very rich, in their own way. I find I am especially grateful to have found my way out, and am very grateful to each of you today for your writing, having spent hours reading your words.
We mostly all ended up in SY because of a deep longing for truth (okay, among other things), and we all still have it, don't we? I've been studying a book by Rodney Smith, a remarkably unpretentious teacher in the Insight meditation tradition called "Stepping out of self-deception: the buddha's liberating teaching of no-self" which I would like to recommend in appreciation for what I have received from you. Karen

Anonymous said...

"Stepping out of self-deception: the buddha's liberating teaching of no-self" which I would like to recommend in appreciation for what I have received from you. Karen"


Thanks Karen,
I checked it out on Amazon and read the reviews. It looks very good and relevant to alot of what has been discussed here.It's always helpful when things can be seen in a larger context.
I think it's ok, though, for folks to "blame themselves or others" for a while. It seems to be part of a process of disengagement that shouldn't be forced to resolve itself prematurely. We just have to go through what we need to as honestly as we can. Then things can clear from the bottom up instead of being buried more deeply. Like you said, that "longing for the Truth" is what needs to be kept in mind. the truth can be pretty difficult to face sometimes. As very fallible human beings, we can feel alot of shame, guilt, anger, blame, self-recrimination, etc. It seems to me that just allowing the space for those human emotions to exist in is important. Otherwise, we never really see beneath them or get beyond them.

best,
s.

Anonymous said...

What a great thread this has been! I've been away for a month and just read every post from Feb 5 onwards. Thanks to the chorus of Anons, to s. and Lucid. Doesn't look like SeekHer has been back to read since starting the ball rolling. If that's the case, s/he is missing out.

I have nothing to say, really, other than thanks. Let the sincerity and thoughtfulness continue!

OBW

Anonymous said...

yes OBW, I agree!

Unknown said...

Thank you everyone! Here is the best, albeit large, chai recipe I have. Wishing you all great memories.

Chai 6 quarts

Ingredients
Water 3 qt

Milk 3 qt

Cardamom 2.5 Tsp (GREEN Whole Pod) measured as whole pods

Fresh Ginger ½ cup (unpeeled, roughly chopped)

Tea ¾ cup (BLACK INDIAN TEA, ONLY)

Sugar ¾ cup

Method
1. Bring water to simmer
2. Break cardamom pods, crack seeds very roughly in grinder.
3. Put ginger and cardamom to a wide, loose (many layered) cheese cloth bag. Add to the water and simmer for 10 minutes. Do not boil.
4. Remove bag and add the sugar. Simmer to dissolve sugar, no more than 5 minutes. ( More sugar may be needed later to balance the bitterness of the tea.)
5. Add the milk, return mixture to scalding point; simmering; NOT BOILING
6. Put tea in a wide, loose (many layered) cheese cloth bag and add to simmering mixture.
7. Steep for 3 to 5 minutes (NEVER more than 5 minutes). Mixture must be a golden brown, not darker. Remove the tea bag.
8. Allow Chai to rest for 2 minutes, then strain into a serving container (Cambro).
9. Taste for sweetness; add additional sugar if needed.

Anonymous said...

Lovely, thank you!

Anonymous said...

How great to get a good chai recipe without having to pay dogshina, scrub a dirty amrit floor, or chant 182 verses in sanskrit praying to not be a demon in the next life! Brava Julie!

Anonymous said...

Thoughtful on the chai recipe March 9, 2011 8:56 PM

Siddha Yoga had it's own sewing department to provide the cheese cloth bags for making tea. Found this as replacement: http://www.lemelange.com/muslin_drawstring_bag.htm

The community created in Siddha Yoga was self sustaining.The talent and devotion seem to be able to create and solve so many practical problems of daily life. That was the fun part. So many lived on a shoe string to participate and rationed every bit of the material world like it was a treasure. It was special. And then we found that those at the top were spend thrifts and craved ridiculous, shallow and meaningless luxury.

Drinking chai with so many good hearts was an enduring plus. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

>>. So many lived on a shoe string to participate and rationed every bit of the material world like it was a treasure. It was special."<<<

What a great group of people! Thank you. Even when there is contention, the willingness to expand and open to another perspective is so obvious. So often, when I am reading here, I think to myself how much I would have loved to have had these conversations years ago up in Fallsburg and it's a shock to realize just how "inappropriate" it all would have been , how impossible to speak so openly about a common longing for the Truth and what we had discovered about it in our own words.
really kind of mind-boggling.


s.

Anonymous said...

Dear Julie,

Got one for Sour Cereal?

Meaning, not GM's "Savory Cereal". The original one Muk served.

At some point, they changed the recipe. Muk's original recipe was a good bit more tart...truly sour...than was GM's. She or somebody else must have asked Annapurna to tone it down sometime during the mid to late 1990's.

Anonymous said...

that's interesting if the cereal was de-Indianized and made treacly-sweet about then...it was the same time same time of Disneyland cotton-candy additions came to the ashram...lobotomized sounding MCs who would interrupt the deep silence after a chant to say over the microphone "Wasn't that SWEEEEET?"

lol!

Anonymous said...

And, in a sing-song, pseudo-lilt, kindergarten teacher voice,

Would anyone like to shaaaare their expeeeerieeence???

Anonymous said...

Or those standardized "let's wake up after the GG announcements" in Muk Mandir: "Good Morning. Today is Monday, March 14, 2011...."

As if we didn't know what day it was???

Anonymous said...

lol! I never understood that...mostly I was trying to figure out how what was sometimes a delicious, deep profound meditation needed to be interrupted with a chirpy romper-room announcer turning the whole thing into something out of kathy lee gifford-land. It was a mystery.

As if eventually it became that anything genuinely holy needed to be corrupted or commodified

Anonymous said...

(quote)What would they do? Ask us to check our iPhones, along with our shoes, at the door? Send us through body scans? The logistics of managing such a show of shows now would be a nightmare. Not even a nightmare, just impossible period.

(unquote)

http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?12,12906,65900#msg-65900

Here is the list of things one cannot take to a Byron Katie event.

A number of former Gurumayi Muktananda people got pulled into BK's world

(quote) Okay lets move on to The dreaded list:

THE DREADED LIST(it is actually called the dreaded list)

You have entered the world of The School for The Work, the School of You. We ask that you not use, consume, or engage in, any of the following:

• outside contact with family or friends, including email and letters
• **cell phones, pagers, computers**
• television, radio, music
• books, tapes, or magazines (other than The School materials)
• sex, flirting
• alcohol
• caffeine (coffee, black or green tea, chocolate, soda)
• sugar, other than what is served at meals
• food between meals (unless doctor prescribed)
• vitamins or food supplements (unless doctor prescribed)
• non-prescription drugs (unless doctor prescribed)
• perfume, aftershave
• makeup
• promotion or sales of any kind
• Jacuzzi, pool, gym (unless doctor prescribed)


Please deposit all items on this list with the staff. They will be returned to you at the closing session on Xxxday. If you have perishable items, please put them in a separate bag clearly marked as “Perishable”. They will not be returned.

We ask that you attend all the sessions, even if you have to crawl. If you need help to attend, ask for it. We will carry you in. We will have pillows and blankets if you need them. Sleep, be angry, sick, sad or tired within this work space. Throughout The School, please honor the following: Use mirrors only once a day, if at all. Do not share a room with your partner or someone you already know. This is very important.

If you feel need to, please contact your family/ friends/ co-workers to ask them to support you in not communicating with them at all while you are in The School. Please feel free to invite them to the public event on Xxxday

Those with health challenges, follow your doctor’s advise, including remaining on medications. This is a requirement.


(Unquote)

Dont laugh too soon--some cultic workshop leaders do have us check our phones and handheld devices.

"Here, just take everything BK says literally, and don't pay any attention to the subtle innuendos and implications. Let all that stuff go into your subconscious, but filter it out of your conscious mind. Is this a recipe for brainwashing?

I remember asking a staff member "Is there a chance that I could get my cell phone back tonight?" She smiled and replied, "Well, I don't know if there is a chance of that." And walked away. I was left feeling like a moron for not asking the question in a more direct way. But, in the real world, most people would know exactly what I meant, right?

Not in Byron Katie world!

"


http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?12,12906,page=9

Anonymous said...

Note about Masala Chai:

If anyone needs to avoid or reduce sugar, stevia is a very good substitute for either tea or yogurt.

Though not part of your original ashram recipe, grating some orange peel into Masala Chai words nicely.

Sour/tart porridge is traditional in many parts of the world. Letting porridge sit overnight, especially in hot weather sets up a fermentation process, especially if a bit of yogurt is stirred in. This fermentation process neutralizes substances called phytates/phytic acid, that hinder absorbtion of minerals.

Communities that learned to ferment bread batters and porridges would have been better nourished because that would have enhanced absorbtion of iron, calcium, magnesium and zinc.

Same principle works nicely with oatmeal, too. Old time oatmeal was a bit tart.

Anonymous said...

Living well is the best revenge. Take back your freedom and your mental and emotional balance but keep the cooking tips that support your health and make you happy.

Someone actually did post a recipe for the old Oakland Siddha Yoga sour porridge. To my surprise it contains cilantro. cumin, and onion.

(Note: I have added grated onion to sourdough yeast doughs and it makes fantastic savory bread. So there is no reason it wouldnt work in hot cereal.)

Since this recipe includes cilantro and some people have serious physicial allergies to it,
check with your guests before deciding whether to use the cilantro in this recipe or leave it out.

The cumin would be quite good as a digestive support. If you guys make this and it still doesnt taste quite right, you may need to roast the cumin seeds, grate them and then add them, in case thats whats necessary
SOUR CEREAL
This is a version much reduced in size from the one made at the ashram. All ingredients can be adjusted to your taste except for the grain:water ratio. This might make it sound even worse (groan), but it's delicious when served sprinkled liberally with Brewer's Yeast...healthy too! This recipe could serve 2....but can also be doubled, tripled....


Ingredients:


3/4 cup any mix of cereal grains like millet, bulgar wheat, quinoa, steel-cut oats.
1 tsp whole cumin seeds
2-3 tbs of fresh grated or dry shredded coconut (not sweetened)
2 tbs finely chopped onion
1 tbs grated ginger
1 tsp salt or to taste
6-8 cups water

Brewer's Yeast
2 tbs chopped fresh cilantro leaves


Equipment:


Medium sized pot

Sharp chopping knife
Now do it:

Combine all ingredients (except cilantro and Brewer's Yeast) in the pot.

Bring to a boil, then lower heat to simmer until grains are cooked to preferred consistency. Stir in cilantro and serve with Brewer's Yeast to be added to individual taste.
--
http://autumnhaiku.newsvine.com/_news/2007/08/29/929298-sour-cereal-and-more-complete-with-recipe
--

My hunch is brewers yeast would not have been used in India. Yogurt would have been readily available.

Here is a different version of an Indian sour porridge

http://cookingindianstyle.blogspot.com/2008/08/khato-bath-sour-porridge.html
--
Khato Bath (sour porridge)
This recipe serves 6 to 8 persons

2 cups rice (cooked very soft)
3 packs yoghurt (475 gm each pack)
2 tablespoons mustard seeds (slightly ground not too fine)
1 teaspoon black pepper (powder)
1/2 teaspoon ginger powder
Salt to taste (2 tspns or more)
2 cups water

Keep one pack of yoghurt and mix all the rest of the ingredients in a large pot and mash the rice using a potato masher. Keep overnight. Next morning add the whole pack of yoghurt and mix thoroughly and cool in refrigerator before serving. Tasty with mitha lolas
--

And, my personal hunch would be to leave this to sit for 12 to 24 hours--something thats likely to be done in a busy Indian household. 12 to 24 hours would be enough of a soak time to neutralize phytates in the grain and free up the minerals.

In India, depending on region, rice, millet or sorghum might be used.

Two articles here on how to ferment idli, dosa and by extension sour porridge.

http://www.indiacurry.com/south/batterexplained.htm

http://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=ldymls&pq=southern%20india%20sour%20porridge&xhr=t&q=fenugreek+fermentation+dosas&cp=28&pf=p&sclient=psy&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=fenugreek+fermentation+dosas&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=9c097ede94422c3

Anonymous said...

hey there

recipes are nostalgic and appreciated. will copy and print

today clearing items for earth day april 30th, our town will have a book drop, have gotten rid of lots of new agey and siddha yoga books and mags that still inexplicably remain like weeds. they no longer annoy, have become like any other memento from the past that is a relic and no longer infused with the present life. siddha yoga now not much more than a youthful (extended) indiscretion. to admit that is something big as would have died for the guru, gave her all.

the books, covers now yellowed and faded, stuck me as just items from the past, not sacred, not special in their own right, but only significant because they formed part of my own trajectory to the present.

many thanks to all who have posted their thoughts here. this forum may not re-ignite again, but for as many times as it has burned bright, very grateful.

feels so good to move beyond reaching for universal explanations for anything and to settle for kindness in exchanges with those who are close. no great schemes to change the world or even myself. just be.

thanks rod community. the writers here have meant alot to me.

Anonymous said...

Guru Mayi, my dear Siddharta...if you still live...I for one will happily meet with you and guide you just a little into a perspective that gives new evidence of just who indeed you truly are.

The grand groups drained you, I know you are either passed or in full retreat.

Your inclination towards the light, even if your flaws and imperfectations distort what in your mind must be beyond belief and infinite powers and cause confusion... It is going to one day be pure again. Humans can never be perfect. Only as channel of celestial consciouness do we approach anything like perfection. You my dear Siddharta were as close as any...to being a perfected being. I am sad that negativity crept in for you so deserve for all your dedicated healing, often for free. Once after I unsuspectingly received the greatest shaktipat of my life from you, my first time, you even gave me your direct phone number at free public Darshan and satsang at the Raddison in Melbourne. I wish now I had made that call. Perhaps you will see this. A good friend of mine is q certain Swami you once knew, who is contactable. If ever you wish to speak to me he is a swami whom I have given a chair. He will know me.

Anonymous said...

Guru Mayi, my dear Siddharta...if you still live...I for one will happily meet with you and guide you just a little into a perspective that gives new evidence of just who indeed you truly are.

The grand groups drained you, I know you are either passed or in full retreat.

Your inclination towards the light, even if your flaws and imperfectations distort what in your mind must be beyond belief and infinite powers and cause confusion... It is going to one day be pure again. Humans can never be perfect. Only as channel of celestial consciouness do we approach anything like perfection. You my dear Siddharta were as close as any...to being a perfected being. I am sad that negativity crept in, for you so deserve reverence for all your dedicated healing, often for free and the sacred energies you work with. Once, after I unsuspectingly received the greatest shaktipat of my life from you, my first time, you generously gave me your direct phone number, at a free public Darshan and satsang at the Raddison in Melbourne. I wish now I had made that call. Perhaps you will see this. A good friend of mine is a certain Swami you once knew, who is contactable. If ever you wish to speak to me he is a swami whom I have given a chair. He will know me.

Anonymous said...

>> Re: "April 22, 2011 1:34 PM"<<


geez! what a pretentious load of crap!

Anonymous said...

I've never forgotten a little verse that touched me, which I read in (of all places) a Time magazine back in the mid-seventies, while living in Ganeshpuri (when western publications like Time were coveted, and furtively passed around,often to be read in the toilet... LOL) The verse went: "SO MANY GODS, SO MANY CREEDS, SO MANY PATHS THAT WIND AND WIND...WHILE JUST THE ART OF BEING KIND IS ALL THE SAD WORLD NEEDS." It's by an American poet, journalist and free-thinker, Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1855-1919).

I think that even in those heady days of ardent Baba-devotion, somewhere inside myself I knew there was something much more important than any path, including our sacred SY path - perhaps just an act of kindness, no strings attached.

In fact, I still remember a talk given by Malti (when she and her brother were on the throne) in the early eighties, in which she said something like that when you find the Truth, it will be beyond ANY religion, including Siddha Yoga. This talk may have been written by someone else, but it was surely the most realistic thing ever spoken by her. At that point, I wish she had just abdicated, and told us all to go out and be kind to one another....

I don't particularly need to be anonymous, it just seems to be an easier way to post my comment. For anyone out there who might have crossed paths with me, my name is Janice, and my partner Peter Sutherland was known to quite a few people when he worked in the "Passport Office" in about 77/78. We both lived in Ganeshpuri ashram from 75 to 79. We now both live in Sydney Australia. It's been a long time since either of us were active "believers" in SY the organization, but we do have our memories of the early days - especially before the ashram and organization grew so humungous and corporate-like.

I've enjoyed reading all the comments, and appreciate that Seekher has opened it up.

Anonymous said...

Anon of April 22, 2011 1:34 PM seriously needs help with facing reality as it is and not how many of us thought it was.

Anonymous said...

well, I don't think as 1:34 anon does that is letter is all a pretentious load of crap but i did my own share of eye-rollin reading the 'siddartha' episte. oy yoy yoy. it brought back such memories of elevating someone to a 'god' status who helped and even more importantly harmed many many many people.

you see, syda was not an innocent path. many many many were harmed and are still recovering. no need to sugar-coat the story with glossy platitudes. or tell people it all depended on the prescription of their eyeglasses. crimes were covered, sins were explained away, secrets were kept, intrigues abounded, and many, many people dedicated entire incarnations (or at their years of greatest vigor and energy) to a mirage that they could have spent with genuine spiritual development. not to mention their bank accounts.

so no happy-face stories about how the 'guru' once offered her private number your way. years ago i might have felt a pang of envy as i read that, but all i felt now was a bit sad tht you still think that meant anything. even charles manson had a direct phone line lol.

Anonymous said...

if you happen to get on that line the voice coming thru was full of manipulation every time
trust

Anonymous said...

2 ways to know you were in a cult even if people rankle at the term:

1) most folks need to post anonymously--still in fear years later of retribution from the party loyalists

2) the road back to trusting one's own inner voice and pwoer is long and arduous

Leto said...

I in yeshiva for years and then went to Israel and experienced enlightenment. many of my later years have been an attempt to try to make sense of it all. I thank you for your writing because it helps me to put things into perceptive.

Anonymous said...

Like ripples on water that fade away in the distance, the pain, the disillusion has also lost its power. My pain is not so intense anymore; other urgencies require our attention. We will all pass and a new generation of brainwashed fanatics will bow to an empty chair and imagine new diluted shaktipat experiences watching a video, like is happened for generations, ignoring the evidence and closing their eyes in exchange for some certainty. There is so much need for order in this chaos that life is that we’ll believe anything just to feel a little better, just to get us through this night. Gurumayi doesn’t hurt me anymore, I simply don’t remember that old me, that old her. The memories are vanishing like myself, Was ir true? Was it false? Who cares anymore? After all, only silence prevails.

Anonymous said...

Hey 10:52

nice to read
that you don't care
almost there
but for me it is a feature of my landscape that requires a certain abount of acknowlegement still
not sure in what capacity

the moved on place you decsribe so well, I understand and experience.
folk met.

the trust between others was utopian and a wondeful experience while it lasted. that is the best part for me. the communal grace that prevailed among ashramrites was so joyful at times.

the best parts of the experience came from folks who read here.

Anonymous said...

Every now and again I think I'll go back to Siddha Yoga. You can never go back home. Ten years of intense practice and SY family, then new teachers and, well, the same perennial teachings. I return to this site and am deeply touched and moved. Forgive my simplicity. I admire those who are eloquent.

What I integrated from the Guru, Devotees, Dharma.
Mantra. Life Saver.
Yajna. My true love.
Dhyana/Jyani. Emptiness in motion.
Bhakti. Love in motion.
Jyani and Bhakti are one.
Seva. A blessing and a curse.
Karma Yoga. Organizing principle.
Moksha. Transcendent and Imminent.
Shakti. The compass.
Asana. Support.
Ganeshpuri, Honolulu, Oakland, SF.

Mantrika Shakti....

Thank you one and all. Om Shanti Shanti Shanti.

Home rose garden, puja, career amd light.

DYJ

Anonymous said...

@July 11, 2011 4:06 AM
your relfection was nice
appreciate your sharing it

recently finding memories that are shaded toward the light keep my breath and strength together better than remembering all the betrayals.

thanks for your share.

Anonymous said...

I went back after a long time and was reprimanded and told NO a few times. If I were a newbie I'd never come back for a second time. It made me see the long time hall host has problems and needs to switch that seva for she has gotten too complacent and mean and does not use the power of talking to the public well. It made me see how shut down the sevites can be. Rude, controlling, out of touch and NOT loving. I don't miss that part of SY at all.

Anonymous said...

That is kind of you July 11 10 pm. I've thought further about where is gurumayi?

Witness Protection. Awoke from insulation and exposed financial malficience.

Self excile. Couldn't face herself when she realized her deception of self and others.

Deep perpetual meditation for world peace. Like Sri Aurobindo in WWII.

The question for me is not where is gurumayi. It is more, what is the meaning of not knowing? What is the benefit of being left? I lost my train of thought... Sweet. These are recurring themes in my life. The in and out breath of Brahma? The painful experiences of life and death?

And thank you last posting for your reflections. At first reading harsh, on second reading vulnerable and truthful. The pain of going into and out of...

Peace Out. DYJ

Anonymous said...

Found it funny in a strange way to come home from satsang to find the steering head playing Mafia Wars on Facebook. Person was deleted. Not making excuses anymore. I take everyone at face value and no longer think they are cool or nice or loving because they do yoga. People need to earn trust. I'm watching a friend who had a good job and responsible become lazy, not working, non responsive, running off to join the circus (metaphor), acting immature, as he gets deeper into the yoga. Sad.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon of July 13 2011 3:46 am:

You said "I went back after a long time and was reprimanded and told NO a few times."

Ummm...I hate to ask this, but reprimanded and told NO a few times for....Asking/Doing WHAT???

The post really wasn't that clear in terms of what actually happened.

Willing to clarify? I hope so.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon of July 13 2011 3:46 am:

Also, I forgot to ask:

Went back WHERE?

To SY in general? To a specific center or ashram? Fallsburg? Oakland? Your local center?

Very confused.

Anonymous said...

Went back to my home town center. Hall sevite has come after me each time I've periodically returned. Always to remind me how I'm not doing things correctly. I walked past Muk's puja just before joyta and two hall monitors including the control freak screamed no! Solution: Have an elevator speech ready with one sentence to say no and "why". Otherwise the hall sevites come off looking not well rehearsed or nice. The last time I went the control freak grabbed my chanting sheet out from under my feet during the meditation. She was cleaning up? Recognize yourself any lurkers? Now you know who I am :)

Also, I noticed many of the long time members with very bowed and humped backs. Are they hiding their hearts? I've been a part of this center for over 20 years. When I take long breaks NO ONE calls to ask after me, if I am ok. When I return it's the same old grumpy, unfriendly faces. I no longer take it personal. The hall is filled with many, many shut down people. What the hell are they getting out of this yoga?

Anonymous said...

@July 21, 2011 9:27 AM

amen to that sistah...like puritans. quit the crazy scene.

Anonymous said...

I wrote a note to the hall sevite and told her myself. Have no problems doing so. Got an apology with long explanations of hall dharma. I replied that all the hall dharma rules mean nothing when not applied with love. And to leave me alone when I show up in the hall.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon July 21, 2011 9:27 AM,

Yeah I used to just HATE that CR*P in the year or so before I quit. (And admit I was guilty of emulating that kind of dogmatic Nazi-like application of what was "proper" myself at times.)

You added "When I return it's the same old grumpy, unfriendly faces. I no longer take it personal. The hall is filled with many, many shut down people. What the hell are they getting out of this yoga?"

Bottom line: When you step out of that 20 years in that center, as an uninvolved observer, the first question that comes up for me as I read it is: "Why bother continuing to go at all?"

The reason I ask this question is, it seems to me like one would get better self-fulfillment from a nice long walk in the park or on a beach, looking up at the fluffy clouds in the sky, petting a dog, going to a nice restaurant, getting a massage, having a meaningful conversation with a friend, seeing a nice movie, or even just taking a nap.

Yes, those are all sense pleasures. But if going to the center with a bunch of grumpy, unfriendly, shut-down people just makes you unhappy, is it really deserving of being called a yoga at all? And, why would you continue to willingly subject yourself to this experience over and over again.

You know, whether reincarnation exists or whether we only live one time and go to heaven, hell, or some other spirit world, or even just nothing and that's the total end when we die...whichever, I've come to conclude that life is just too darned short for willingly subjecting ourselves to such unhappiness over and over again.

Anonymous said...

July 22 5:53 I'm no masochist. Are you projecting? I go when I'm in the area (lately a bit more than usual, mostly rare) and the timing is right for a group chant and meditation. Leave before the darshan and learning to show up AFTER the mc has finished talking.

Anonymous said...

I don't believe I'm projecting myself onto you.

You were the one railing against the behavior of the hall people etc. at your center.

I simply wouldn't subject myself to that kind of abuse anymore, because I now believe that this kind of behavior is entirely reflective of the behavior encouraged (directly or indirectly) by the "spiritual leader" of the movement, or simply reflective of her own behavior.

I guess the only real question I have for you is: Why do you still hang on and keep going?

That's what befuddles me the most.

Anonymous said...

I go because I don't feel the way you do. Each person I take at face value and they usually reflect their very own lack of understanding. I go when the timing is right and the spirit moves me or feel the desire for a convenient group chant and meditation. Don't hang out nor feel compelled to hang out; benefit from the best parts of the practices without the bs.

Anonymous said...

"Also, I noticed many of the long time members with very bowed and humped backs. Are they hiding their hearts?... When I return it's the same old grumpy, unfriendly faces... The hall is filled with many, many shut down people. What the hell are they getting out of this yoga?"
July 21, 2011 9:27 AM

Hi - in response to the above, I would suggest the possibility that the people in your center may be grieving.

Thinking of SY, I am reminded of an old High School acquaintance, a girl I barely knew, whose father (a military officer) was captured in VN. Everybody in her family wore his name on one of those old nickel plate POW bracelets (I got one too after hearing about her dad). Some of them must have known or sensed that their loved one was dead, or would never come home from the war. I think the girl in my class and her family needed to grieve, and move on with their wholeness intact, but had no way to begin the process because word had not come that her dad was no longer among the living.

Some of the people who still go to SY events have found a way to sustain each other in acts of mutually supportive love and cheer. I meet them in my own area from time to time. Not all SY communities have become emotionally or spiritually shut down but a lot of them really are having a hard time functioning under present conditions.

The people who attend the ones that seem to be struggling as you describe may be grieving the loss of a once vital, world encompassing spiritual community, but they can't begin the process their grief openly because SY keeps dragging on with its illusion about being a viable spiritual path with a "living guru" at its helm.

Just think of what the people at your center lost, and continue to lose, endlessly waiting for GM's "second coming" back to them, the steadfast SY faithful. It's like they're dogs waiting at the bus stop for the return of a human companion who has long since vanished from sight.

The satsang in your area must have felt a little like a wake, huh? At wakes, sometimes people shut down because the enormity of the emotion they might release if they really started to express it scares them too much.

Those hall monitors may be hanging on to the "form" of right action in the hall because that's all they have left to remind them of a much more vital experience either with Baba himself (not just his photo) or with GM in the past.

I will pray for the people in your group, then I will pray for you to find your own right use of time, day by day. If or when you choose to return for another SY chant, I suggest you seek God in your heart instead of in the faces or actions of your old SY friends.

Then if you have the inclination to do so, show some of those shut down people a little open hearted love. Give them what they were so unable to give you, and see what happens from that moment on.

Or find someplace else to get real spiritual blessings in your life.

The form of spiritual community always changes -- from place to place, time to time, and generation to generation. (Some of the most incredible American frontier utopias lasted less than 30 years.) But the good intentions behind them and the manifestation of good that they bring about in the world is constant.

I am grateful to have experienced something wonderful in SY, for as long as my destiny and my faith in it lasted. I try to remember the SY people I was privileged to know with love, and let the rest go.

Things happen to me as I am destined to experience and receive them. Everything that comes to me is a gift in some form, if only I know how to unwrap it.

I offer my peace and blessings to all in this forum. Happy July and August Moons to all.

TT

Anonymous said...

that was great TT
helped bring some of the residual mists of what was into focus.

thanks all who continue to read and post.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Its nice to have a balanced comment on this blog. Especially one absent of vitriol. Thanks TT.

Anonymous said...

Anon July 25, 2011 8:47 PM
said: "I go because I don't feel the way you do. Each person I take at face value and they usually reflect their very own lack of understanding. I go when the timing is right and the spirit moves me or feel the desire for a convenient group chant and meditation. Don't hang out nor feel compelled to hang out; benefit from the best parts of the practices without the bs."

Sorry for the lack of reply for the past day or so, life and work were very busy.

Obviously, you don't feel the way I do. But we have one major, major disagreement: I can't find a way to do the practices without the BS creeping in. To me they are inextricably linked and to participate on one is to leave oneself vulnerable to the other.

I simply prefer as total a separation from SY as possible since I don't want to ever be taken in by SY and its leadership ever, ever again.

Anonymous said...

The people who attend the ones that seem to be struggling as you describe may be grieving the loss of a once vital, world encompassing spiritual community, but they can't begin the process their grief openly because SY keeps dragging on with its illusion about being a viable spiritual path with a "living guru" at its helm.

TT on July 26, 2011 12:07 PM said:

"Just think of what the people at your center lost, and continue to lose, endlessly waiting for GM's "second coming" back to them, the steadfast SY faithful. It's like they're dogs waiting at the bus stop for the return of a human companion who has long since vanished from sight."

DING DING DING DING!!!

This is just SOOOO right on to me.

To me, it ought to be CRIMINAL that SYDA is just stringing people along, dangling that carrot of "Gurumayi's second coming".

They're grieving, but know they aren't supposed to be grieving publicly, and so are just totally stuck at the very beginning of the grief process without being able to go through it and process it out.

And typically the beginning of the grieving process is shock and/or disbelief, isn't it?

To me, this stringing them along (I suspect primarily to keep the SYDA organization as financially viable as possible as an ongoing concern) amounts to abuse of people's souls and psyches.

Anonymous said...

To me, this stringing them along (I suspect primarily to keep the SYDA organization as financially viable as possible as an ongoing concern) amounts to abuse of people's souls and psyches.
July 27, 2011 12:13 PM


Hi

Thanks to all for their comments. Thanks to the anony above as well.

You know, in the course of my experience of leaving SY, I went through a lot of different stages. In one of them I felt a lot of outrage and I expressed a lot of vitriol.

But there came a time when anger and the temporary clarity it gave me had to give way to another way of seeing and processing my personal experience with SY.

So at first I chose deliberate detachment (as in "this may be true but I may be very limited in my ability to change what I see or what others see about SY - so I choose to let it be and work at accepting this reality"). I stopped thinking about SY as "my" failed path and I started thinking about it as one of many expressions of religion in the world. I have no opinion about a lot of them and I have no knowledge about far more - so why allow myself to remain obsessed with this one minor religion (really, compared to the number of people practicing some other faiths the population involved with Sy is quite small) and how its karma unfolds?

Then I started to pray - simple prayers at first, nothing formal or familiar to any religion - just talking to "whatever God is out there" to care for and bless whoever came to mind when I said the words "Siddha Yoga".

I found myself praying for a lot of the people I'd known on the path, and with those prayers letting go of a lot of my issues with them.

Eventually I found myself praying for Gurumayi (given some time and effort I found a lot of reasons to pray - no longer "to" her but "FOR" her), and then I even found myself praying for Baba Muktananda, and all the people who knew him or were influenced by him for good or for ill.

The more I prayed in this way the less I took on the business of SY as my own business. Instead, my heart grew as my mind separated from my old concerns and issues with SY people of all kinds.

I can't really say how long this took (because I ended up praying for a lot of exSY people too) but eventually my mind was able to completely detach itself from "the pairs of opposites" as I experienced them via SY.

What was left? A tender, wide open heart, one where gratitude happily walked in and made itself at home in my being.

In that gratitude I now have enough courage to grieve all the things I thought I had, and lost, but I am also able to say "well, it was there for me at the time it arrived because that's what I needed, even when what I needed felt painful or confusing to me, at that time."

Yeah, it's true... you can't "go home" and have home be what it once was, but you can go forward, and take those parts of "home" with you that can sustain you in whatever new place you choose to call "home".

Today I strongly prefer to avoid spending time or energy criticizing a "spiritual path" that seems to be on its last physical and financial legs (I mean really - SY is barely functioning today.). If it persists it persists as it persists and that is its karma. If I persist in resisting it then that is my karma unless I choose to change my karma.

I've changed it by saying "Bless them, change me." Then changing whatever I can, within and about me, day by day.

Take care, you and those you love who are still manifesting their karma in SY. Just think of those words "take care" - and only CARE - take only what you need - and leave the rest without regrets. This is just a suggestion, not an "order".

Traveling that way makes my own spiritual life journey so much more pleasant.

TT

Anonymous said...

TT

Getting to that place you described very well. Nice checking in here and finding the lights on. :-)

Anonymous said...

I have an old email account I haven't gotten around to deleting. SYDA still sends me stuff there. Just received this photo gallery link.

I don't get it.

http://www.siddhayoga.org/bhagavan-nityananda-punyatithi/offering-seva

Anonymous said...

She's Back in the Ashram giving Darshan to her inner circle.

Anonymous - Miami

Anonymous said...

As Dana Carvey's former SNL Church Lady character would say, "Well, isn't that special."

Anonymous said...

Too long a story but last week a text came out of the blue to a friend from a former (or perhaps still current) inner-circler, mentioning little more than, surprise!, they were in South Fallsberg, and that it was nice to be back in their old home.

Now the entry above about Darshan clarifies.


Re: the slideshow at the SY site to of the recent celebration: makes me wonder how those still hanging on to the edge outer circle feel when they receive such things. Seems to me it rubs in their faces "she's here" and "the party's still going on -- without you."

Anonymous said...

"She's Back in the Ashram giving Darshan to her inner circle."

Why just the inner circle? I just don't get her game. Is she not willing to give it all up? Is she waiting for something. She's disappeared from public view to all but the select view. She never was a hard worker and the more devotees she had, the more effort she had to put in, but I'm still not sure what her game now is.

Anonymous said...

6:38 your comments just do not reflect realilty.

Gurumayi may be a nrccisistic leader of a destructive cult , but saying she never worked hard is just off. Worked extremely hard. Inner circle people were expected to keep up the grueling pace.

No surprise you don't know what her game is now, you don't have a handle on what it was. No offense please, but obvious you did not know her.

Anonymous said...

Hi 4.07, 6.38 here (feel like I'm in a Sci Fi movie with these numbers:):)). No offense taken.

I did know her actually, but I knew her in comparison to Muk and it was lazy language on my part to say she wasn't a hard worker. I'll explain in a moment.

I do admit I pushed off not long after she took over, because she seemed manipulative and bitchy to me from the very beginning. (I remember her as Malti and she was already bitchy then.)

What I should have said is that she wasn't committed to her people like Muk was (that's what I meant when I said she didn't work hard). I remember her leaving darshan several times on one of the tours even though there were people in the line still waiting, because it was late and she had had enough. This was when she was visiting another country and there were people there who only saw her once a year or so. They were craving a connection to her, but she just stood up and left, she retired to her luxury mansion down the road (hired for the week at a monstrous cost) to presumably keep harassing her "inner circle" with more "guru commands" to keep them on their toes and sleep deprived.

She was always more into her glamor (witness the glamorous people around her), her luxuries, the games she played with the people around her and quite frankly, her power than anything else.

In Muk's day - and I don't negate the evil he perpatrated - he very much gave the impression that he was there because the love of his devotees kept him there. It was as if he had no choice, they were his magnet and it seemed genuine, not contrived like Gummy. Again, I'm not deifying Muk. We're all over that. But it was different.

Also, I've seen other gurus have their people run ragged in their name while they sit "still" in the middle of it all and then create a big ripple of energy when they get up and move among their people. It's the people however who do the lions share of hard work, the guru just.. well often they just be the guru:):)

I should add 4.07 that you are probably right and I shouldn't have posted, only because she was never my guru and she was the guru for everyone else here. I read these boards because I'm still to some extent working through my own experience, but I should keep out and leave it to those who more rightly belong in this space.

With love.

Anonymous said...

Me again (6.38) I should also have added the following:

...This was when she was visiting another country and there were people there who only saw her once a year or so. They were craving a connection to her, but she just stood up and left, she retired to her luxury mansion down the road (hired for the week at a monstrous cost)...

At least Muk stayed in the ashram when he visited this particular country. There was plenty of room, just five years after his passing for her stay there. Rather, she hired a mansion that an insider told me cost $15,000 per week. I remember the street and it is Zillionaire territory. $15,000 was then an average annual salary in lower-middle management. Three times that amount would buy you a two bedroom apartment in those years. Gummy stayed in an outrageously expensive house, while Muk stayed with his people. So yes, perhaps "she was never a hard worker" was not quite the right way of saying it.

OK, enough of my blowing off. I'll buzz off now. :):)

Anonymous said...

8:20

Thanks for response. Saw the type of things you saw many times.

Lazy not an adjective I would use for the woman. Lover of luxury yes.

Happy trails 8:20!

Anonymous said...

Well now, can it be? The photos of gurumayi at southfallsburgh for the 8/8/celebration? Isn't somebody paying somebody some money when someone verifies seeing gurumayi. To tell the truth, the photo looks like gm 20 years ago. Although the bracelet looks new. See how skeptical and synical I've become. It's a job requirement for me. A job of social service in a violent city setting. I'm daily thankful for mantra.
DYJ

Anonymous said...

I was also around in Muk's time and GM's time and the comments above about Muk staying with his devotees while GM rented expensive places to stay tend to be correct from my own observation.

Except when Muk stayed "with his devotees" they typically had to move out of their own place so he and his staff could live there.

The diff? Muk's way saved the foundation a LOT of money. GM's way spent a lot of the foundation's money. Which, largely, had previously been the devotees' money.

So who was the better steward of the donations that had been offered?

Anonymous said...

"
Except when Muk stayed "with his devotees" they typically had to move out of their own place so he and his staff could live there."

Oh yes, like Boston all those years ago. I had forgotten about that.

But it was a blessing...

At least back then, it seemed like a lot of money was going back into the organization... well it seemed that way. There were however the stories about Muk having been a king in a previous life, very wealthy, etc (told by Muk himslelf) and they were used as a way of justifying all the wealth sy was now building. It was his karma. Couldn't be avoided, just had to be that way...

Anonymous said...

Muktananda has been dead almost 30 years. SY has been dead almost 10, by any reckoning other than that of the zombies who remain. Comparing Muk's dedication to SY to GM's seems pretty pointless at this point. It was once a small club, then it became a big club, then for a while it became a kind of franchise, then it became a small club again, and now it's more like a book group. We are not invited to the meetings, though we are welcome to pay dues, with the hope that one day the invitation will come to attend. I would guess that most of us who read this blog have long stopped paying dues, and are now actually choosing our own reading material, maybe even joining other book groups. Bravo for us, I say.

OBW

Anonymous said...

checked back on the supposed new pictures of GM at the ashram, and of course the slides are now down -- you're redirected to a different homage. Were the photos real, and was this just a cynical ploy? In the photos she looked younger than other photos shown in the bookstore. As usual, we'll never know.

Anonymous said...

Was glad to recently be directed by a post here to that slide show. Hadn't clicked on siddha yoga website in long time.

Found it really quite a meditation to spend time watching the very generic slide show, with but one swami in attendance, and the backs of some heads in chairs and maybe a shot of young pujari and a darshan girl, one family darshan in front of SMA. then and the murti and ganesh choked with garish display of flowers. "In this Economy!" and the obligatory shot of the full moon.

Whether faked or not, what came to me was that Gurumayi is stunted and has grown not at all. After all that has gone down there wasn't a hint of the reality of her former devotees experience with her. Like she is still sitting on a chair expecting to be worshipped.

Get out the chair and off that pedestal for God's sake! Offer something authentic to the world.

Anonymous said...

OBW,

Some of those "zombies" appear to be quite alive and kicking, per my very recent observation just this past weekend.

There are simply a LOT fewer of them than there used to be.

From what I could see, those that remain are simply "continuing on as before" with no real sign of further personal growth.

"Autopilot" would be a good way to describe it.

Except they were all just a lot older-looking than the last time I saw them.

I was happy to not feel compelled to follow the herd anymore. The hardest parts was keeping myself from wanting to bolt when those I used to know invited me to participate, and politely just say "not today, if it's OK", and keeping myself from laughing out loud at hearing old ideas and concepts I simply just don't believe in anymore, dutifully repeated by the herd. I didn't want to insult them. But I recognized just how far I had moved on by comparison with them.

Anonymous said...

I am intrigued by the photos of gm on syda website 8/8/11. Swami A waving arati lamp also looks like he did 2 decades ago. I guess this is the place where no one is surprised at subterfuge. I am.

I'm happy for the person who is feeling good about not being part of the pack. Although, not being part of the GM pack IS being part of the populace at large pack. That's the whole thing about being "in" or "out". It's subjective. Where have all the Siddha Yogis and Yoginis gone? Other Guru's, Buddhism, Like me. Or secular happiness.

An old timer told me Swami M held satsang at schools in Honolulu. There was a general unhappiness when GM insisted on programs at an expensive Waikiki resort. We adapted, not with out some being yelled at from the big chair.

Back to in or out. I actually was an insider. I'm proud to say I was excommunicated by the "real insider" staff when I expressed a contradictory opinion. I say proud because, although it hurt and was perplexing, I thought it was hilarious. Saw through it. My siddha friends and I were "in". Later some of us "quit in protest." GM was "out".

I miss group sitting meditations. That's a lie my mind tells me. That I am not able to meditate on my own. I plan to dispell that. That will be liberating and grounding. Thanks all. DYJ

Anonymous said...

I'm happy for the person who is feeling good about not being part of the pack. Although, not being part of the GM pack IS being part of the populace at large pack. That's the whole thing about being "in" or "out". It's subjective. "Where have all the Siddha Yogis and Yoginis gone? Other Guru's, Buddhism, Like me. Or secular happiness."

Secular works pretty well actually. Joy and awe just because it (the amazing universe around you) is all beyond comprehension. You don't get the mega-highs that happened in SY, but you don't get the craziness either.

"An old timer told me Swami M held satsang at schools in Honolulu."

I was there in 78. It was a big hall, I think a school an dit was authentic and low key compared to what followed. Muk stayed in an ordinary house nearby (large house right on the beach, but nothing amazing) and the ashram was in another old house in another area (don't know the districts so can't name them).

Yes, but whoever it was that said Muk died 30 years ago and SY all but died 10 years ago, how right you are! I often wonder why I still read these boards and I think its because I'm curious to see where this whole saga will end up, especially once GM really is grey and wrinkled (which she won't want too many people to see).

artsquiggle said...

Hi Seeker,
I’ve been away from this blog for awhile. Not out of loss of interest—but because life has only gotten busier and more complicated. Such is the experience of aging. I read your last post, and it inspired me to write this and post it. Thank You.

Why Siddha Yoga Failed

It has been at least a whole decade, closer to 15 years since I left Siddha Yoga. And it’s taken me this long to finally sort things out to where I can articulate what happened. How did I get swept into something that possessed me for years and left me feeling like there is still a big hole in my experience of life?

If Siddha Yoga taught me anything important, it’s that my own experience of life still matters and guides me. Yet, ironically, this is exactly where Siddha Yoga failed, and was bound to fail. I could never see this at the time—during my 20 year hiatus from real life, because I was too addicted to the panacea dour jour—the “perfect” Guru pill that was to rid one of all their ills. Siddha Yoga failed because it refused to embrace the HUMAN experience, instead offering a person temporary transcendence from one’s human foibles, negative feelings and thoughts. It preferred and sustained a structure for only inviting and nurturing the positive pole of existence, while striving to ignore, less hide, the polar opposite—that of the dark side of being human. In fact, it used punitive, in some or many cases, damaging measures to insure this sort of lopped sided existence continue. Ironically, though it prided itself on championing great compassion, I look back and can see that during that time, I probably had the least compassion for others and this planet as did many of my friends, swamis, leaders—the people I knew within this community. There was little tolerance for human suffering which created an uncomfortable undertone of resentment towards people’s normal and difficult problems. It was though, while one floated above in the blissful heavens, a toxic river of human pathology ran below. How could a human being then avoid an eventual manic stretch in their life? I sure didn’t. Actually, this is not unlike many organized religions, even though I refused to see my venture in Siddha Yoga as belonging to a “cult” or an organized religion. I bought that it was the “perfect” spiritual path to enlightenment. Now, I even question if “enlightenment” exists, especially within the ridiculous circus of a spiritual goose chase. Going after it rather bankrupted me in different ways, especially on the practical level of life. Yet, what I cannot deny is that I do not regret having experienced Siddha Yoga, and I still miss the community, friends and even Gurumayi who I had and shared such passion and bliss with. Why? Because, I’m only human and human beings are social animals who need community—we need our friends, family, teachers, mentors, leaders and absorbing rituals that help to identify some meaning and order in our lives. We crave some happiness to balance out the difficult, messy, conflicting and painful experience of human evolution. And for many years, during many times, I did feel very happy in Siddha Yoga and loved participating in many of the ceremonies and rituals. Who wouldn’t miss fun, good times with good friends while celebrating exotic, beautiful, ENCHANTING, cultural events full of inner and outer fire works?
Artsquiggle

artsquiggle said...

To Everyone else in this great string of posts:

Just wanted to say after I made my initial post/reply under Seeker's January post, I then read and have really enjoyed all the various comments, expressions, confessions, objections, sharing of yummy old-time Sid n' other recipes and hilarious interjections. Loved that limmerick about faulty Malti and the Dana Carvey Church Lady remark. (Actually she is a popularly mimmicked character around our household these days, as we've run our gammet on the Guru, spiritual teacher circuits.) I think the satsang, or better, honest discussions that show up here is the real thing now. Breath of fresh air to be rid of, or at least irreverent to the sacharine-sanct spirituality that SY dissolved into. Keep it up! Thanks everyone!
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

Wow artsquiggle, thank you for your fabulous comments. They so reflect my own experience. I often felt a discomfort (semi-conscious for a long time) about the total lack of space within the yoga to be honest about the harder and more painful sides of life.

Anonymous said...

"Siddha Yoga failed because it refused to embrace the HUMAN experience, instead offering a person temporary transcendence from one’s human foibles, negative feelings and thoughts. It preferred and sustained a structure for only inviting and nurturing the positive pole of existence, while striving to ignore, less hide, the polar opposite—that of the dark side of being human. In fact, it used punitive, in some or many cases, damaging measures to insure this sort of lopped sided existence continue . . ."

Wow, Artsquiggle. I was with you for every word of your post, especially the above excerpt.

Having posted my fair share here once upon I time I know it's always nice to hear back, so just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to chime back in.

-Lucid

Anonymous said...

p.s. Where in hell is SeekHer?

;)

Anonymous said...

Yes, Lucid, that was the bit I was responding too as well. So true!

artsquiggle said...

Lucid and Anon,

Thanks for the welcome back. Glad you could relate to my thoughts and take on what the "H" happened to me. Really, all the the comments I read, caught up on today in this blog are priceless, cathartic and therapeutic to me. In fact, a lot of it, I can imagine, makes for excellent material for a "stand up satsang" version of SNL. And since you mention the name, isn't SeekHer the author of this blog, or am I confusing names?
Anyway, glad I did chime in.
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

"Walking in the dark with a friend is better than walking in the light alone."

- Helen Keller

Anonymous said...

I'm the Anon who returned to my center and had a bad time with the Hall hostess. Have not been back but might go again if I'm in the area and in the mood for a group chant. But I did write to the host about her poor actions. She wrote back and top it off she said that even if she does not say hello she still recognizes me in her heart. I wrote back that I'm not feeling her recognition, at all. Those phrases skeeve me out.

Anonymous said...

3:10
don't go to a place that gives you these experiences. just don't do it to yoruself.

group chanting can be found in other ways if that is a plus for you. as many who have recovered from siddha yoga programmiong have said, walk in nature. the sound in the trees is a beautiful fragrant chant and never frowns.

skip those cold fishes!

peace

artsquiggle said...

Anon said:

"Walking in the dark with a friend is better than walking in the light alone."

- Helen Keller

That's a beatiful quote. Thank you for that, Anon. It makes me think about who have turned out to be my stalwarts of friends. I'm not in touch with any of my formerly close, dear friends of SY, from East to the West coast of the U.S. I do think about making contact off and on but wind up not doing it. Now, my more compacted group of faithfuls consist of my own partner, my best friend from elementary school, and my family--especially my 90 year old mother, my sisters and then cousins, nieces and nephews. When I was in Sidda Yoga I didn't seem to have the time of day to bother with any of these people who have turned out to be the most supportive, the most accepting of all my changes and foibles. They prooved to be resilient, plain earth-bound comforting, and I'm damned lucky to still have them in my life. (Really miss my late Dad, though.) Shamefully, I was so full of my yogini self during my SY venture that I had little compassion or empathy for all these precious beings(with the exception of my partner who I had not yet met). I virtually ignored my family and people from my childhood, while making token visits to see them from time to time. Yet, while under the influence of falling in love with Siddha Yoga, I sure thought I was such a kind, loving, open, compassionate being towards everyone. Whew! The self illusions I was often under!

So, let me put a question out there to anyone who's interested. Who in your current life is turning out to be your faithful friends, your moral support, your fans, since many of you, like myself, no longer keep the company, or close company, of SY yogis?
Artsquiggle

artsquiggle said...

Hi Anon, I don't find you are rambling. I find comforting simpatico in your entire response. Thank you. I too, when in SY, did that thing of thinking "Oh, my family and old friends just don't get it!" In retrospect I think I added a whole layer of spiritual self consciousness to myself then, and I sure hope I have been able to shed most of that if not all. You know, another big thing I let slip then, that never quite added up, is that GM often preached about how important our family is; that we should be very patient and accepting of them. Yet, she was hardly a model of that, having been ostracized and estranged from her whole family, including the big mess with her brother, Nityananda. Sometimes people do have to make a split from their family if the relationship proves nothing but abusive. But, you'd think, someone in a guru role, carrying a great lineage, could get past that to some sort of reconciliation, rather than just leaving this unquestioned trail of scandal with a glossy PR cover up. It just strikes me as more evidence that the whole philosophy of SY was faulty for not diving deeply into the human experience. Instead, we were encouraged to replace a "bad" feeling with a mantra or chant, never acknowledging the true emotion. We were to gloss over or exclude pain and illness by seeing it is a "kriya" or an obstruction of ego; something "stupid" and "unconscious" that we were "doing wrong." Even an earnest struggle or confusion among devotees was viewed as a "silly leela" to get over and done with. Instead of being encouraged to use our own particular pain or objection as opportunity for some deep self inquiry, we received just the right "dharana" in a group or on a little card or piece of paper to orchestrate a Siddha-style inquiry and contemplation. In fact, doubts, pain and troubles, or uncontrollable movement and outbursts were viewed as the typical process of becoming purified of all these "human ills" so that you could become the perfect temple to hold the magnificent Shakti. Even with all of us coming from all over the world, I don't recall much open-mindedness towards different perspectives and opinions. When I started to really get in touch with new critical thinking and objections, I got quite angry, and railed out at different "VIP" people for taking my time and money and selling the same ol' same ol' stuff, like selling water by the river. Though suggestions were made that "I was falling from grace" this process took on its own, newer, alive shakti and couldn't be stopped. This was the beginning of the end for me while I still have my bittersweet, often sad, haunting memories of better SY days. Now, I tend to see that Siddha Yoga may have started out with good intentions, but it's more like an underdeveloped embryo that died in the womb. Where’s the Yoga? The full embrace of life, the full union? The constant, ongoing transformation where we were all supposed to be moving forward in enlightenment while in the company of saints? Siddha Yoga—the Perfect Being’s Perfect Union? No, more like the fizzling Siddha Half, dizzily groping its way around in this dark Kali Yuga. Maybe, it just can’t help itself.
OK. Now that is a ramble! :-)
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

In July of 1996 I stood in the lobby of SMA before a sign propped on an easel. The elegant cursive across the front was promoting an upcoming course, the subtitle of which was “Coming Into Right Relationship with Your Family.”

Even then, at the peak of my involvement, and while standing right there in the epicenter at South Fallsburg, I still had the wherewithal to question, How can they be offering a course like this on family when Gurumayi has no relationship with her own?

I kept that thought tightly to myself and no doubt it was shortly thereafter engulfed in the noon chant, evening program or whatever.

Going back for a moment to artsquiggle’s Why Siddha Yoga Failed, I want to take a highlighter and run it over the word “temporary”. With the distance of time and sober perspective it is so clear that Siddha Yoga was a high you had to sustain, and that Siddha Yoga did provide/"sell" everything you needed to sustain it.

But you had to keep at it, you had to keep taking hits. (If for example the Intensive was truly all it was cracked up to be why on earth would you need to take more than one?)

Funny in retrospect to think of how Gurumayi herself, without any reserve and in the most public of talks, used the words “drunk”, “intoxicated”, and “high” to describe the experience of the practices.


Back to “family” for a moment: I think two things were going on. One, the Shetty family was exceptionally dysfunctional (and I’ve expressed here and elsewhere the sympathy I feel for anyone thrust by their parents into the arms of their abuser) and Two, a big part of what perpetuated the “mystery of the guru” around Gurumayi was the absence of anything that made her like us. From basic day to day bodily functions (i.e. the fact that she sat in programs + darshan for hours without food or bathroom breaks) to any basic visible human support systems (i.e. no public mention of her parents, or siblings, and she is one of four, or even knowledge of a close confidant or friend . . . and sorry, George doesn’t count in this instance as I am referring to how she was perceived by the "newly intiated" – I myself was involved for four+ years, with family who'd been in much longer, before I caught my first whiff of “the rumors” -- and that is something SY had mastered: keeping their secrets until you were in too deep, but I digress . . . ).

By concealing, at least from the eyes of the larger flock, things that would make Gurumayi one of us, SY made her into a guru. We all know this now; it’s all been said before.

Several years ago, as I was making my exit, I read on a blog somewhere that both of Gurumayi’s parents had died and within a year of each other (I believe this was shortly after she turned 50, in the early years of her disappearance). I checked her brother’s website and found tributes to them both, as well as descriptions of the events that honored their passing. From what I could gather, both were active, revered figures in his community. And rightly so, it occurred to me, because after all, from Subash’s devottees’ perspective, they did produce "the heir(s) to the throne".

Anyway, for a moment I was suddenly struck by the very human life passages impacting Gurumayi, her own aging, her loss. Especially if her relationship with her parents had been strained to the point of nonexistent. I could understand her rage towards them but also suddenly had this sense of her standing at that moment in her life, with those two relationships unresolved, and them now dead.

I felt the regret and this sense of her broken. As broken as many or any of us would be faced with the same. I saw her standing somewhere alone, privately defeated, asking herself the “What have I done with my life?” question . . .

Anonymous said...

Shortly after the above, I wrote to an old friend who was once as close to the inside of SY as anyone I know, someone for a time as close as anyone can get, someone to this day involved. I mentioned I’d heard about the passing of Gurumayi’s parents and wondered what the reaction had been within the SY community.

Her response was a one-sentence door slam that made clear in no uncertain terms the topic was not up for discussion.

Her response was also the last confirmation I needed that leaving Siddha Yoga was the right decision.

- Lucid

artsquiggle said...

Anon, August 24, 2011 2:53 AM writes:

“With the distance of time and sober perspective it is so clear that Siddha Yoga was a high you had to sustain, and that Siddha Yoga did provide/"sell" everything you needed to sustain it.

But you had to keep at it, you had to keep taking hits. (If for example the Intensive was truly all it was cracked up to be why on earth would you need to take more than one?)

Funny in retrospect to think of how Gurumayi herself, without any reserve and in the most public of talks, used the words “drunk”, “intoxicated”, and “high” to describe the experience of the practices.”

Good points! Whether it was for business, power, and good intentions indicative of the times…whether it has or did yield some good things for a period, I agree, that Siddha Yoga was built around the premise of doing everything you could to sustain that drunken high. For me, there will always remain a part that is pure mystery. Some things I experienced just could not be explained away by ordinary circumstances. Like my experience of taking the Month Long Course on the little Mt. Kailas. It was another beautiful world that may forever impact my life: It just blew me away. I can’t feel angry with Gurumayi. In fact, I seem to keep this soft spot in my heart for her because I think she is a tragic, lonely figure.

But, I digress—so to get back to my point: What I started to find, that with all my immense “trying” (constant, continual investment into Siddha Yoga practices, etc.), I wasn’t staying in those high places so much, but plunging deeper into frightening caverns of pain, illness, despair—feeling plain lost. When I sought some advice or at least comfort, I got more and more cold responses back from GM and all of her entourage peeps. Some of my close SY friends, not all, were also less than sympathetic or kind. They seemed repulsed by my “negativity” and if I wasn’t receiving zombie-like prescriptions of Darshan quotes, I then got some pretty snotty lectures about how I had “no shakti” or was just plain allowing my mind to run amok. Obviously, something just wasn’t working anymore and a lot of anger, objection, and questioning set in.

Then, around the end of the 90’s, into the new millennium, came a procession of new spiritual teachers who addressed “embodiment”— a descending back down the mountain, if you will, to face and clean up all the dirty laundry that had been neglected and piled up for years. For me, sitting with the embodiment teachings for a couple of years was like rehab for the soul. These teachings welcomed all of me—the good, the bad, the messy and the ugly. They helped shake me loose, helped me put things into perspective; allowed me to slowly wean myself off of the Siddha sugar and make a new re-entry into my own ordinary humanness. The residual, even now, is still a kind of knee-jerk little tug on my heart that I think I want to find a new satsang group, for the sake of sharing a very special, meaningful community. But, I find no impetus to look into one. Instead, my time is filled with perpetual practical life and family. I also do not subscribe to “enlightenment”, while even suspicious of it. To me, it’s a different animal than wanting to know what’s authentic and true for me in life by challenging my own fears and myths. I like this blog, because it is another venue for me to do just that. Thanks, friends, for letting me process & ramble.
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

I wrote a post which doesn't seem to have been published. Perhaps a hiccup in the system. In short it simply said that I find more compassion and "welcome with love and respect" on these boards than I did most of the time that I was in SY.

Anonymous said...

Amen.

Anonymous said...

Dear Artsquiggle,

Your recent posts have been very validating for me.

I leapt heart & soul into SY in 1981. I was in my third year of college and was a member of a fraternity house, where there was immense peer pressure to do drugs. It was ruining my life and I knew it, and wanted some way to go cold turkey and escape that world.

I was taking hatha yoga and my teacher and her husband were Muktananada devotees who ran a satsang once a week. I attended and came away with my mind so clear and calm, there was no mental chatter or nervous tension at all and in the course of 3 hours got done what normally would have been 8 to 9 hours' worth of homework. Later, I found out that Muk was giving people "shaktipat" by touch, awaken their kundalini, and through it took away their addictions. Even before I met him, at the local satsangs my third-eye chakra was tingling fiercely like thousands of tiny pin pricks, whenever we chanted the ONS mantra. I knew SY was for me and met Muk at Fallsburg in spring 1981. With one intensive, all my drug addictions literally fell away.

I was incredibly grateful, and loved Muk at the time, and stayed with SY out of loyalty to him for 24 more years.

Later, after re-reading the New Yorker article that came out in '94(I was in total denial about it after reading it in '94), and even more so, when Radha Bridges went public about her abuse by Muk and about GM's/SYDA's attempts to pressure into silence, in othe words trying to launch a cover-up, suddenly lots of little things about SY that had just not added up over the years suddenly became very clear for me. I realized that in fact I was always chasing that "high" I experienced around Muk and that what had happened to me so many years ago was that one set of addictions was merely replaced by another. A drug addiction was replaced with a cult addiction. I do believe I received "something" from Muk when he gave me shaktipat but I no longer unquestioningly believe that it was a positive thing. I felt very guilty about all those women Muk supposedly abused and my own strong sense of personal integrity, moroals, and ethics meant that to maintain that integrity, I had to step away from SY and be totally apart from it. Suddenly the oft repeated retort of "But that wasn't MY experience" rang hollow for me and smacked of people not wanting to face the hard, ugly truth and choosing to remain in denial. Except that even remaining in SY meant that some degree of tacit support for that abuse existed on some level, whether people were fully conscious of that tacit support or not. To me it reeked of irresponsibility for one's own spiritual and personal growth, and irresponsibility to the welfare of people. It became a dichotomy that I simply could no longer reconcile in my mind. So, in 2006 I completely quit SY.

I tried getting involved in a couple of other guru-based groups, but it all seemed like more of the same. I could no longer really "get into it" anymore.

And now I just enjoy being me for me without a whole lot of pseudo-religiousity or even real religiousity, needed for me to respect my own integrity.

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I've really enjoyed your posts.
Best,
-AMPA

artsquiggle said...

Dear AMPA,

Thanks for your kind words and wishes. When I met Baba and was introduced to SY I too experienced that burning pin prick in the third eye. Sometimes I saw, and could have sworn I heard the crackling of flames between my eyes. It's still mysterious to me how Baba and Gurumayi could wrench my heart so much that I'd find myself casting everything else aside to only want to be near them, serve them and follow them. And, like you, I was finding that for the first time in my entire life, I could sweep through many activities in little time and effort. That dazzled me since nothing had ever come easy to me in life. I always had to struggle, work extra hard if I wanted to achieve something. But, meeting Baba changed all that. Now I was flying with super powers! And nothing would stop me while on fire with Siddha Yoga…until… the eventual train wreck with reality.

People like you and others on this blog have validated for me that SY was like a dangerous drug addiction. I felt so great in the beginning, but then, I found myself taking more and more “hits” while feeling less and less intoxicated with my “Inner Bliss”. Finally, I just drained my poor body and got very ill before I was able to enter a phase of self repair. And it started with a harsh focus on survival, putting the shattered ego back together and growing it some thick skin.

So, AMPA, I'm so glad to hear you now feel a wholesome sense of enjoying your own self integrity. That is priceless in the most human sense. Sure beats standing in a sweaty mile-long line, wrapped in an itchy, wool shawl, clutching a $10 coconut while awaiting the swat of a peacock feather.
Regards,
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

"Sure beats standing in a sweaty mile-long line, wrapped in an itchy, wool shawl, clutching a $10 coconut while awaiting the swat of a peacock feather."

Artsquiggle, hope to get back to postings here, but catching end of your last post above....

the picture that came to mind now years after was a completely different scenario, with all the same players and parts. you evoked the whole thing for me....so much was to transpire when we got there, the waiting increased the effect....the darshan girls the ogligatory dress code

amazing confluence of time and culture and personalities...

Today I wish the person formerly known as Gurumayui improved health especially mental. Gurumayi gig is over. Drop it. No one needs a Guru.

Anonymous said...

"Today I wish the person formerly known as Gurumayui improved health especially mental. Gurumayi gig is over. Drop it. No one needs a Guru."

Ditto.
-AMPA

artsquiggle said...

Anon, August 27, 2011 10:01 AM
writes:
"so much was to transpire when we got there, the waiting increased the effect....the darshan girls the ogligatory dress code

amazing confluence of time and culture and personalities...

Today I wish the person formerly known as Gurumayui improved health especially mental. Gurumayi gig is over. Drop it. No one needs a Guru."

Amen. Enough time has passed for me (since leaving SY and doing soul rehab) that looking back in hindsight makes me chuckle at some of the scenes. How ridiculous so many of us looked with our serious kum-kum dot heads, wrapped in saris and shawls, schlepping around our pillows, asanas, japa beads and Gita books. Although, even then, I had to rebel against wearing those awful saris. About the only smart move I made back in those days. With all the sitting, I made sure I wore semi-casual,comfortable but decent looking pants outfits, vests and blazers--clothes I liked that I could wear in NYC and to work. I often got cold stares from all the Stepford Darshan girls in their sari sheeple garb. Ah well...I wish them all well now.

But, you nailed it: The day of the Guru is sooooooo over. That was a lot of expensive hoops to go through to "get rid of what we haven't got."
Regards,
Artsquiggle

Anonymous said...

Really, it felt like first we were required to "get what we hadn't got" before we were allowed to get rid of it. Expensive saris and $350 embroidered pashmina shawls, $1000 rudraksha malas with 18 karat gold caps, wool asanas priced as if they were designer originals. I'm grateful I didn't spend my kids' inheritance on such stuff. I know some who did--or their own retirement savings. Paying the price now. Get rid of what you haven't got, indeed....more meanings to that than we saw at the time.

OBW

Anonymous said...

Hello All: I pretty much love this comment stream. I've read the August comments.

Diminished emotional intelligence in Siddha Yoga. It was ultimately the hyperbole that the practices became and the community at large, that did not embrace pleasure as well as pain. that led me out of a two decade dedication to SY. I thought it was more the interpretation of the teachings than the teachings.

I enjoyed the practices and my SY friends, at least when I lived in Hawaii. Back in 1979 there was very little to choose from in the way of perennial spiritual practice. I'm glad I found SY, gurumayi, yogic teachings.

I was seeking I knew not what, but not the constricted western materialism. I had spontaneous shaktipat of the light and no time no place variety once. Now I call it spiritual emergency, then I called it crazy! SY gave me a context with the understanding of kundalini shakti and realization.

Before spirituality, substances were the means for a transendental experience. I don't begruge that. SY practices and my relationship with GM and devotees was my path to sobriety. Not only of substances but of caustic thinking and toxic emotions. Not that I'm free of all that, I'm just free of the karma. Through awareness and choice.

SY led to my graduate studies in transpersonal psychology and my career as a Child Welfare Worker. Working with families and government systems that address neglect and abuse of children has afforded me the opportunity to see more pain, suffering and darkness than imaginable, really. I wrote GM questions about why and how we're unhappy and we hurt each other and all that big stuff. She answered each and every question at her talk in San Francisco. So refreshing and helpful. Along the line of not expecting a scorpion to be a cuddly kitten and not looking outside yourself for happiness.

Still, even when Gurumayi was touring I needed a local spiritual community, which I found I loved. Their color scheme is beige and maroon and their teacher communicates on a chalk board. Low key, powerful yoga.

Long story short. Buddhist Practice. Always with mantra and the shakti.

I'm simply observing that mine has been a developmental process. Some transitions were difficult, but have become easier. Maybe. It's not necessary to negate ones past to embrace ones present or move into the future. It's not only a linear development through stages an up a hierarchy. It's an intricate hologram where experiences spiral around and each part is also the whole. And it's like the living earth itself. A clam becomes a fossil, becomes the new earth, becomes the future. All at the same time.

Well, I hope I have the nerve to post all this! Thank you all for your open thoughts. These comments seem to have the width and breadth and height and depth of life's full spectrum. Peace.

DYJ

Marsha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Oy!

http://www.siddhayoga.org/

http://www.siddhayoga.org/poem-by-gurumayi

http://www.siddhayoga.org/pilgrimage-gallery

Those devoted enough to click through all 231 slides will be rewarded at the end with the following message:

"The holy pilgrimage continues... In the Shaktipat Intensive."

Anonymous said...

Thx Oy for links,

Beautiful and painful photos to see. My heart full of purity and reverence while working on making those places beautiful. So who visits there now? Do they wonder, all the people, where did they go?

Anonymous said...

These days it seems the only thing SY still wonders about is how many hits they receive at the website and how many people register for their pricey, pre-recorded, triple rerun, webcast "sacred initiations."

Apparently the enormous elephant in the room at all those "celebrations" in August was completely invisible to the chosen few who attended. Where have all the people gone? Who cares?! What matters is my direct experience.

SY was always the "inner circle" and "the outer flock" but has now dwindled to just the inner circle. Everything happens for the best. :)

Anonymous said...

Ah the "celebrations".

More pre-programmed codewords.

I've been out of SY for going on 6 years. Living in a different town than another where I was previously closely linked in with the SY community.

I recently visited that town with family, one of whom is still very active SY. Dropped that family member off at that town's center.

In the parking lot, saw a number of former "friends". Because I really could not stomache crossing the threshhold of a SY center's door and going inside their spaces, I stayed in my car in the parking lot. Woudln't even get out of my car. In fact, I even scheduled a dinner get-together with another good friend who lives in that town who is NOT in SY, and that person being a committed Christian, most likely never will be; the dinner appointment was at the same time as that town's center's evening satsang. And I scheduled it that way intentionally: drop off the family member, let them do their thing, pick up buddy, snag chow together, come back, pick up the family member.

Anyway, one of those former "friends" comes to the car window to chat and asks "So, why not come in and celebrate?"

Stupid, bone-headed out-of-the-SY-loop me, assumes the person means "celebrate our return visit in about 10 years".

After returning home, somehow curiosity got hold of me and for the first time in a couple of years, I went onto the SY website. And then I see the codeword: "Celebration Satsangs".

And it hit me: That person wasn't talking about celebrating anything about me at all, but merely parroting back the codewords.

It made me realize just how much of my own concious decision-making, just how much of my own independence as an individual who tries to decide my own path in life, my own thoughts and beliefs and opinions and values, I had actually turned over to "SY group-think" during the years I was "in". Time after time, I keep re-discovering old thoughts, beliefs, values, attitudes, judgements that I simply incorporated into my mental makeup directly from SY that was just a matter of parroting what I heard and repeating it back to myself (and others), that when I consciously evaluated whether I TRULY thought or believed those things or not, I found that I really DIDN'T and recognized I'd simply turned over conscious decision-making to other people to do my thinking for me.

And it kind of "threw" me to realize just how many SY'ers are still totally enmeshed in that belief system...one that really may not be their own. It's like being on total autopilot. Let somebody else tell you what to think, what to believe, how to feel, etc.

And now, nearly 6 years later, I find that realization not only somewhat shocking, but utterly SCARY.

And am so, SOOOOO happy to be "out" and out forever.

Anonymous said...

"Stupid, bone-headed out-of-the-SY-loop me, assumes the person means "celebrate our return visit in about 10 years"."

Ooops...meant "celebrate our return visit for the FIRST TIME in about 10 years."

Sorry.

Anonymous said...

What heartsharing there is on this blog. Thank you all, your sharing and insights have helped me understand my past experiences and supports me. I grew apart from SY over years and in 2003 moved physically away. It was a consicous decision on my part, for all the reasons outlined on this blog, to develop another form to my spiritual life.

I thought I had left SY. I hadnn't realized until I started reading this blog last year, that SY has left me! It no longer exits! And, I have changed, too.

I was a bit confused reading that some writers felt sorry for GM. I think she's growing and developing like we all are. The Yogic teachings themselves are relevent and beautiful. What's happened is the SY experiment has 1) failed or 2) changed.

I'm thinking of family today. When my dad passed away 20 years ago, a young woman from a SF support program was my phone friend. My dad went out on the Om of mantra I was meditating. I saw his eyes the next year in a new born at a SF yagna. My mom was proud of me in SY and went to a program with GM. I stayed at her home in Ontario when the winter retreat was there. She came to my wedding yagna in India. I'm happily single now. I inwardly read the gurugita during my beloved grandmmother's funeral.

What did I learn from SY? What is, is all that there is. I learned so many valuabe life lessons. Daily to stand up for myself, that I can thrive being shunned, that humans and human institutions are both positive and negative, and to keep focused on the goal of being of service.

Peace. DYJ

Anonymous said...

Thank you DYJ, September 25, 2011 3:03 PM

You articulated my experience clsely. It feels great to move on and find that I can actual recover my hearfelt memories and not be confused by them.

The vehicle of the guru to attain union not my ride after all, although I am reclaiming some amazing experiences, but I see them as present from another source.

Anonymous said...

I am in the closet regarding my disenchantment with syda, so I regularly get hit on by devotees hoping to get me to sign up for intensives and such. The latest one is that Oct 22 Mahasamadhi intensive, A one day intensive for which one is supposed to fork $500. I received an email from syda stating that per Gurumayi, if there were only 1 intensive one should take in one's lifetime, this is the one. It's amazing what this organization will say and do to separate devotees from their money. In these difficult financial times, I know of devotees that are doing cartwheels in order to afford that one day once in a lifetime experience. I really feel sorry for them.

Anonymous said...

Funny how each one -- i.e. the current one -- is the only one you'll ever need to take. Thought I had that covered.

Anonymous said...

I went to the Oakland ashram the other day out of morbid curiosity, and I saw very few young people. Most of the folks attending satsangs were older and greying which is not a good sign. I think SYDA understands that it is dying as an organization so it is trying to squeeze as much dough as possible from the aging devotees before the final embers. $500 for a day of intensive? Insane.

Anonymous said...

I received an email from Oakland yesterday stating that "there are only a few seats left" at the Intensive. As someone who used to project manage events for a living I know you only send such emails when you are scrambling to fill seats. (Even for SYDA, which is capable of anything, this smacked me as sadly Amway.)

Further down in that same email is another "exciting announcement" that the Intensive will be "re-broadcast" in a few weeks, just to ensure everyone is accommodated. Aw geez, you mean they don't have over-flow rooms anymore?

And, an "Intensive re-broadcast"? Isn't that what they ALL are and have been for nearly a decade?


I recently learned that a partner of someone still involved will be taking their "first Intensive" this weekend.

The thought that ANYONE, in 2011, is just now starting down this "path" is __________ (fill in the blank).

Anonymous said...

I have been out of Siddha Yoga since July of 2004. In fact I left the area I was in and the active Center I was very much a part of for 12 years and simply moved out of the area.

I had a conversation with Lis Harris, who wrote the article for the New Yorker, a few months after I left Siddha Yoga and left the area simply to confirm a few things about Malti Shetty and company and that was it for me. They threatened Lis Harris life and she needed a body guard. Plus there were a lot of girls Baba was screwing around with. From what I have learned from some enlightening experiences since I have left it is all about energy, a non-light energy at that. Who cares if he was "impotent" or not? Energy is energy and used in different ways depending upon what creation you are from, and what creation you are adding to, or attempting to sustain.

People can refer to Siddha Yoga in whatever couched terms they want, but it was in my opinion a non-light path, designed by a non-light group. Damaged light souls "seeking" were easily drawn into it.

Many of those folks in Siddha Yoga were of service to self and many were very cruel. Gurumayi as the Leader enjoyed humiliating people, taking their money, their time and their lives. If they had addictions, weaknesses, etc. she used them. She enjoyed the misery she caused. Again it is about energy. Fear. Anger. That is energic food for her soul type. Sure she did public displays that seemed very loving and kind, but then there were the humiliating talks, the humiliating behind the scenes undoing of people close to her, doing "seva".

Malti was what Malti was and she still is. You can think she was damaged, or abused, or Baba's victim because he was a pedophile, etc. etc. But the truth is she ran a successful Ponzi scheme, as a non-light soul because she could. She was of service to self because it is her nature. She did nothing that was not in her nature from birth. Most folks do not believe there are two creations and that duality clearly DOES exist on this planet we call Earth. But yeah it does. You see it everyday. And there are degrees of this duality on each side, but it exists. It will always exists.

Changes will happen on this planet more and more and it will be a very different place in the next 50-80 years. Right now non-light souls predominate, but that has been changing. This planet was always meant to have more light souls then non-light. Look into the night sky and you will see some light spaces and non-light spaces. Both are needed for this universe to function. It is a very long story but this many non-light souls should not be here.

Light souls will never be Non-Light souls and vice versa.

I used to judge Malti but what is the point? She is just being who she is and I am just being who I am. Hey I was the one looking outside thinking I thought needed something and she was happy to oblige me, disguising it as giving. She just did what she did because it is who she is. Same with the Baba guy, and her brother, if he was ever really her brother. I mean does anyone really know anything about this trio?

I read things on the internet and blogs that I know are not true because I know the actual people being talked about and in some instances was there.

Light souls are of service to others, it is a natural inclination. Non-Light souls are of service to self. And you should not judge either. And here is the best part: One soul group is not better then the other. We are just different.

I learned a great deal in Siddha Yoga, but to be honest when I realized the abuse was happening I moved on.

Trust me there was a lot of chaos in my life following my leaving but then the answers came. Mind blowing answers. I judge no one. I try to help anyone who needs help because it is my nature. I am a light soul and Malti is non-light. I am not better. She is not better. We are just different.

Best wishes to all of you.

Anonymous said...

The Dalai Lama has said, 'We are exactly the same, only different'. I agree that there are Light Souls, and there are non-Light souls. I can't make a judgment about Malti Shetty but I can make a choice for myself, as most of us here have learned for ourselves. There are gifts I received from my experiences in SY that will always be in my heart. I also learned how to trust my instincts and separate from SY when I saw and experienced the non-Light leadership. For many of us still on SY mailing list, today at the SYDA url there is a letter supposedly 'from Gurumayi'. It is a marketing letter, a sales brochure, for the Book Store items. We haven't seen her or heard from her in more than 5 years but she did want us to know about the new items for sale in the Book Store. I felt my heart break a little bit when I read it. I also felt a swelling up of compassion for my own heart for having bet the ranch that the Siddha Path led by Gurumayi was the Truth. I survived it. We all can. As always, thank you for all these comments with such insight, compassion, and fearlessness.

BreatheIN BreatheOUT said...

"All my life I have cherished the art of writing.

"Writing REVEALS. By writing, you can discover your deepest thoughts and feelings.

"Writing CLARIFIES. By writing, you can understand and take the measure of the subtleties and intricacies of your experience.

"Writing COMMUNICATES. By writing you can convey your perceptions and insights with precision and beauty, and also gain access to the insights of others."

I just wrote a comment on this passage from the website (have you noticed that they've programmed the website so you can't cc and paste any part of this "special message from Gurumayi"??) but I decided to delete it because it contained a bad word.

But my word was REVEALing, it was CLARFYing, and it did COMMUNICATE my point...

Very. Well. Indeed.

Instead, I'll just leave these pearls of higher wisdom (and the truth about how SYDA tries to protect them from -- whatever -- by others) for further "contemplation" by the SeekHers on this blog.

Sigh... funny how that control strategy worked. I just opened another tab in my browser and typed Gurumayi's branded words into ROD. I wonder if that cc/paste block bot put a spy watcher cookie on my computer now. I wouldn't put it past SYDA to design a device like that and hook it onto their website.... forgetting that people can clear de-fleabot their computers with ease these days.

Unless they just designed a "copy write protector" that doesn't... protect... jack... squat.

Sigh. Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Anonymous said...

GURUMAYI DECIEVED US AND FRAUDED US THERE SHOULD CLASS ACTION LAW SUIT

Anonymous said...

SYDA AND GURUMAYI SHOULD BE CHARDE D FOR FRAUDE AND DECEPTION I LOVED SYDA YOGA WHAT WOULD BABA BEE THINKING BUT ER BROTHER IS TURE TO THE PATH HE IS THE TRUE SHIDDHA AND ALL THE SWAMIS SHOULD FOLLOW HIM BABA WAS SMAART MAN HE KNEW ONE OF THEM WILL DEVECT AND TOOK ALL THE MONEY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A THIEF IN THE NIGHT

astrologyforall50 said...

Rise early in the morning and after your ablutions purify the water with 7 mantras and with the name of the person required to be brought under your control. Drink this water. Repeat for 21 days. The person concerned will be under your control.Ladies can use this mantra to control their husbands who have gone astray, those who do not cooperate and are our of control.
http://www.vashikaranamantra.com/

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